I Care But I Don't

I had the worst morning of my life. I got in a fight with Maya, Lucas, and Farkle. It was right in the morning. When we were walking to school, I was going to go and get Auggie when I realized he was in the afternoon kindergarten class. Then, I noticed that my friends weren't even waiting for me. I got upset, and walked home. I sat on a curb almost crying. Soon, Lucas was coming back for me, and I was still really upset. Maya and Farkle were saying that he is better than to come back for me. That made me very sad. I began crying lightly. They left and I went to cry on that same curb again. For some odd reason, it hurt the most when Farkle said that, not Maya. So, I got up and thought maybe someone would come back for me again. I saw they were already almost crossing the street way near the end. I began crying and walking. Normally if I were upset in public I wouldn't cry hard. This time, I cried hard walking past every person. There were two teenage girls when I was walking. I was crying hard and they walked by. When they passed me, I heard one of them say "Aw, poor girl" about me. Eventually, I realized how the three of them were together. I remembered the policy from last night.

• It can never be three of us. It's either 4 of us, or 2 of us. Nobody is left alone.

They broke that policy. So, I walked to the Spider Park and swang there. I sang songs from my playlist. I began singing a written song right from my head at that moment. It was about Farkle. About how it hurt my feelings most when he hurt me. When I thought I'd forget the lyrics if I didn't write them down, I walked to school. I saw we were in the middle of Period Two already when I got there. At chior at lunch, I almost cried singing the happiest song, And All The People Said Amen. Then, I carried on with my day. Finally, I went to Maya and I missed her. I realized how I wasn't mad at Lucas because he was trying, I wasn't mad at her because she is my best friend. I was furious with Farkle. Last night I told Farkle that I couldn't be mad at him. I told him I cared about him. The thing is, now, I care but I don't. I really do care about him like I have for the past while, but then there is him betraying me. Then that leads to but I don't. I still love him, and he has no idea how much I want to be his friend, but on the other hand, how can I be friends with him now? We never fought like this and maybe it's best that if we keep fighting, that we just don't talk so we can't fight. The thing with Farkle is, not talking to him would only bring me more pain. I love him. I can't do that. We'll just have to see where this takes me.

Why didn't he help me? I expect too much out of life, that's my problem. I might as well stop expecting him to come back for me and count on Maya and Lucas. They are real friends, one's I'll stick by. I love Maya, she's my best friend. And by her side, I can do anything. I may need Farkle sometimes, not often but Maya has my back. That's all I need to know. I can always go to Maya, she can always go to me.