I'm Tired of Living Like This

I'm tired of living my everyday life with my friends. In the episodes, I am never with them this much. The main reason I decided this, because I've got some stuff in mind that I'd rather spend my life doing, and I just said that because I became so desperate to do that instead. It's not them, it's me. Of course like always, there's Maya for ya'. She's all... Maya about it. Then, she takes Farkle and leaves because I say I don't want them back at my house if they're planning to stay overnight. Than, I realized how unfair it is. Maya said it wasn't fair that I didn't want them sleepingover as often, and I was thinking, "I am stuck living the life you want me to, and you think it's unfair for you? You're lucky I'm actually talking to you right now." So, yeah, I am sick and tired of living like this. I'm not done "liking" Farkle like "that", like Flaws, but I'm done living my Matthew West stuff. Of course the song is OBVIOUSLY mine and ALWAYS will be, but I'm done going through it. I got a text from Brooklyn saying, "srry for harassing you, ur free to go i guess" and I was seriously SHOCKED that she said sorry. Then, I just walked the way home with Ava and Auggie because Lucas headed home when we reached his house. I just talked to Ava and Auggie about school, their dating life, and more stuff. PS, Ava freaked out my brother with ghosts and I laughed at it! Anyway, off topic...

This whole Matthew West thing brings me back to a few weeks ago. It was all 4 of us (me, Lucas, Farkle, Maya) and I told Farkle this, "the Matthew West stuff never lasts for more than 2 weeks, except for the first time" and I was right. It never lasts, and I need to have something else in my life. To me, it makes perfect sense that when that stuff went away, I would no longer be satisfied in life. Flaws wont air for another 2-3 weeks so, nothin' for me! We have to have Girl Meets the Forgotten air first. So, for now, I'm nothing worth it to be here with them. Not as in I am not worth it, but the fact that I have nothing worth it. Because just like I said to Farkle, the plan for me since August was to have not everything of mine based on dating. So, having Farkle like this isn't enough. The episodes aren't enough. Just like the suite life idiots (yeah I said that), for Addison or Maddie or whatever it was, episodes weren't worth it, so they changed. My issue is, unlike them, my episodes life actually means something, so I don't want to change me. The closest change to Riley Matthews is Matthew West and that's over. I don't care if anyone else has the abuse stuff in their life but only if generally, I control it. Maya having it, Farkle or Lucas having it, I wouldn't approve of. For example, Smackle, if she had abuse in her life (not that she EVER would), then that's okay because I know she's not like mine at all. Even if she is, I am more controlling of that than Maya or Lucas or Farkle is. So, the point is, I am done living like this. Until I have something good for me, don't talk to me. Once I do, talk to me. If that never ends up happening until Flaws, and that's what you'd rather, have fun on your own until November 7. P.S. that means Halloween alone too. So, check back here soon for more.